I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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