Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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