atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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