I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
