Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My penis needs a shock collar
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
