I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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