so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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