The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
