im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
