They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Randomize
