oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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