Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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