if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
as a side note pls kill me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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