my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
