Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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