I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
