turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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