2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
