I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
