can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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