You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
