I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
