There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
