since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
