dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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