You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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