WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and she was petting her beer can
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
