Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
