Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
