Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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