I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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