if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
