I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
