be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
