its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
