I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize