there was a trapeze. enough said
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
