ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
