Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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