They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
