I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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