bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
