Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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