apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
