i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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