I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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