Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
