this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
