Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
