i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
