I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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