There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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