Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
