Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
