I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
