Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
