UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
