...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
