alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
