She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
