Got a toothbrush?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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