worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Holy sore nipples Batman
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
