so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
