she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
