Im at strip club and am horny
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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